I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
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