Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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