I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
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Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
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I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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