My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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