What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.