I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
