i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize