hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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