Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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