pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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