dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I supernannyed him into submission
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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