best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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