I faked an abortion last night.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
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If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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