I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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