he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
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I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
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Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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