Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
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