That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
