I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
