I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
