it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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