I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
