my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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