There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
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Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
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I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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