You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
