you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Shame - the story of my life.
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