Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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