Dude my mom stole all your condoms
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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