there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
can u get pink eye on your cock?
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
