Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
