He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Help me help you realize you are a moron
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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