I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
