you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
i think i just lost a toe
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
