turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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