Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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