Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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