Can i not drive my cunt home
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Randomize