So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Randomize
