My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
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