the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
