I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
