Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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