What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Randomize
