So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
