It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
