why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
