I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
