That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
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She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
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It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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