was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
