You're my little dorito
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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