Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
