Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
