I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
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Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
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I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
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