Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Randomize
